Versions of Self

What happens when a person simultaneously has a fear of missing out and a fear of disappointing herself?

She gets overwhelmed easily, spends maybe too much time in reflection trying to make sense of the confusion, and then she writes about it.

As a bubbly solo traveler, this looks like saying yes to a night full of plans even when I know I won’t have fun. I say yes, then have a terrible time. The entire night, I kick myself for not having more fun, for not talking to more people. But I just can’t.

Then I think about all the nights I’ve been the life of the party while running on no sleep. Why can’t I be her again?

I’ve been asking myself the wrong question. My goal shouldn’t be to find who I was before and bring her back. It needs to be to figure out who I am today and provide for her accordingly.

Do I wish I could be full of energy and fun around everyone at all times, eternally making lifelong friends and memories? Yes, of course. But that is an unrealistic ask. It’s not possible.

A girl needs her rest and reset.

And maybe the solution doesn’t have to be some grand realization. Maybe it’s just taking the proper time for myself. Allowing some time to relax and rejuvenate. Letting the charm recharge.

It’s not a crime to want more, but it is extremely unfair to consistently push my battery beyond its capacity- to drain myself and then expect the fun, charismatic version of me to magically show up.

The real question is, Can I understand myself well enough to provide for all of my different sides?